From Meltdown to Glow-Up: A Journey Through My Illusions
Today, I’m sharing a deeply personal journey that happened just days ago and the ensuing emotional roller-coaster rider of how human I am. Even with all my experience and tools around the creative process, I get caught in my illusions, my maya—stories that feel so real, even when they’re not. In about 100 hours, I went from total victim to reclaiming my creative essence through raw, transformative stages. I’m baring it all so you can see me—not just as a guide, but as someone who’s been through the alchemist’s crucible and emerged stronger, more alive, ready to help you evolve with tools I’ve lived.
Shock: The Weight of Resurrection
It began on Easter Sunday, a day of resurrection. My name, Joshua Immanuel—”God with us”—carries a healer’s weight, tied to the 33 vertebrae of the spine, the age Jesus lived to, the Kundalini rising through seven chakras. But my father’s story hit hard that day. Wounded in World War II, his spine was severed by “friendly fire,” binding him to a wheelchair for life. I was there when he passed at the VA Medical Center in Long Beach, California, watching his vitals flatline. I was devastated yet relieved—he was free, never to return to that green metal wheelchair. That memory stirred a longing to stand tall with my own 33 vertebrae, to be life-affirming, not bound like him. But offering “Come Breathe With Me” that week crushed me—no one signed up, and I was shocked into silence.
Denial: I’ll Make It Happen Anyway
I couldn’t face the truth. I’d gone Live on Instagram three times and TikTok twice, loving every moment. I emailed my entire list of creatives—over 70% opened it, but the click-through rate for “Come Breathe With Me” was under 0.1%. One guy showed interest; a lady followed up but didn’t commit. I told myself, “If three people magically say YES, I’ll teach it.” I hadn’t announced a cancellation—why would I? No one signed up, so there was nothing to cancel. I decided to “teach” the class to myself to honor my word. I was greenlighting myself, but deep down, I was dodging reality.
Anger: Why Isn’t This Working?
The lack of traction burned, and anger surged. I’d poured decades of breathwork into this class, built on my 5 Pillars—create, release, relax, know oneself, and deep, allowing breath. I wanted a good-sized group, but my social media efforts fell flat. “This sucks,” I seethed, feeling unseen. My upcoming Uranus transit in the 1st house promised authenticity, but I was trapped in a story: “No one wants this.” I drafted a newsletter—”I am in pain, and I am done”—linking to a video about my childhood, but it felt like pandering, begging for pity. The victimhood vibes made me sick—I couldn’t send it.
Bargaining: I’m Hiding—I Can Fix This
I dug deeper, bargaining with myself. I’ve hidden my whole life—behind my family’s piano as a kid, behind costumes, talents, and even my wit. I wrote, “I haven’t been showing up fully for you.” I hadn’t shared the fire I feel for breathing’s power to unlock creativity. But phrases like “a class I believed in” sounded defeated in the past tense. “Still hiding a little” was wrong—hiding is absolute; you’re in or out. I aimed for no blame, no regret: “It’s on me to make my offer alluring, to grow my audience, to excite them.” I wrestled with my illusions, seeking a way forward without fully facing the truth.
Depression: The Pain of Not Being Seen
The pain of not being seen sank in. I’d hidden behind characters, smarts, and humor my whole life. “I’m hiding so well no one can see, feel, or hear me,” I wrote. My email list didn’t even register my existence. The lack of sign-ups for “Come Breathe With Me” mirrored this—I wasn’t showing up fully, not for them or myself. I was stuck in a story I’d created: I’m not enough. I considered sharing this but dreaded the “poor you” responses. I was low, but I knew this pain could be a stepping stone, not a block.
Acceptance: This Is Between Me and Me
Clarity hit—I accepted the truth. I didn’t need to announce a cancellation; no one signed up. This wasn’t about them—it was between me and me. My tribe had no energy around this; it wasn’t on their radar. I’d created a narrative based on my beliefs, not reality. I could’ve had a small class, but I clung to my story’s familiar pull, letting it run through my body, mind, and nervous system. I was addicted to that feeling—but I was ready to release it for good. If three people asked to join, I’d teach. If not, I’d prepare a deeper offering for later this year. I felt complete.
Rebirth: Back in My Creative Essence
That release brought me home—I’m back in my creative essence, alive and centered. I’m focusing on what lights me up: my articles and blogs on JoshuaTownshend.com, scripting videos, and designing classes. I’m thrilled about what’s next: office hours in May, live breathing sessions on IG and TikTok, and my 14-day summer intensive, “Lunar Creative Flow,” from New Moon to Full Moon. It’ll be life-changing for any creative yearning to go deep yet stay light-hearted. I’m growing with a tribe of Conscious Creatives—actors, writers, dreamers—ready to tap into their most authentic selves.
Let’s create something extraordinary together.
In truth and power,
Joshua
